LJ Archive - 10/06/05: The Gluttony Shuffle

This is how it always starts:

*Blink blink* wow my bed is comfy HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE FARKING TIME! leap, ruffle-sift-sort for clothination, shit (ahh), shower (last night before bed (thank God)), and shave (ah haha I crack me up)….

Screwbreakfast grabkeys outtahouse intacar downdadriveway ontahighway

Eastbound and down, Eighty-miles-per-hour…

Get to work RIGHT ON TIME (for once!) and… it’s Donut Day!!!

Wow, the vultures on shift before me really picked through the box already… but there's a few left and this last Chocolate Frosted one looks positively dainty. Mmmm. Hits the spot. Maybe I’ll have another one sometime after lunch.

(Two hours of heartless employment boredom: SCENE MISSING)

Ah, so it’s lunchtime, I guess I’ll head on down to the cafeter – HEY WHO FUCK ATE REST OF DONUTS ONLY ONE LEFT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE I’LL SHOW ALL YOU BASTARDS

*snick* *snarf* *ahhh*

Bad Tony! Too much sugarglazed fat before lunch, you’ve ruined your appetite. But the cafeteria isn’t open for long and you’re here till 6 so you better go get something for later…

So I go to the cafeteria. Must balance the scales (ha pun!) of foodage, maybe a nice salad will do. Yeah: lettuce, cucumbers, a smidge of cottage cheese, tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower... – that’s the ticket. Kill those donuts with fresh leafy goodness!

(Now, contrary to popular belief, hospitals don’t have to serve healthy food. In fact, the way the place I work for sees it, if you’re not a patient, well… their food will help you get there! There is always something breaded and fried: Peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, cheese, onions, beans, beef tips, fish, bread, etc... heck, I’m surprised they don’t serve deep fried air). I usually know better than to get such fare, but there’s one thing I have a mortal weakness for. One of the café girls is always teasing me about it, tricking me into thinking the cauliflower is actually my weakness. And wouldn’t you know it, as I go to the cashier at the end of the entrée counter:

OMG TODAY OF ALL DAYS FRIED MUSHROOMS GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!! TAUNTING CAFÉ GIRL GIVES ME DOUBLE ORDER FOR FUN CUZ SHE’S COOL LIKE THAT

*swoon!*

Dilemma: Have too much food; hot mushrooms, cold salad. Can’t eat it all now… hmm.

Well, the salads are there every day, but when was the last time I had mushrooms? That’s what I thought. Eww, the breading is mushy, Bleah! Take ‘shrooms out and eat them plain. Ahh, with extra grease.

An hour later, the salad sits, forlorn and unloved, festering lukewarm. How sad: my cute little salad, forsaken for my vice. I can’t bear the thought of throwing good food away…

Hmm… this is probably going to give me gas later… but I can really feel better for myself eating something healthy now after all that junk…

It’s actually quite hard to do… cauliflower and broccoli just don’t taste as good post-wilt and grape tomatoes get especially acidic at room temperature.

But it’s all good, because it’s 3:30 now… I can ride out the rest of the day, digest this stuff, and hopefully have just a sensible small dinner to make up for it.

And then the department boss returns from a MegaManagement meeting. Bearing the rich and filling leftover spoils of a MegaManagement Buffet Lunch.

Which consists of a pie platter.

Chocolate-Peanut-Butter-Crème Pie.

Well, go on now you fat pig, this doesn’t happen every day…

*Homer Simpson*

And that’s how it ends. I forgot there would be donuts. And I didn't know I’d have to hoover my share of the donuts. And then I certainly didn’t know they would finally have fried mushrooms later on... what are the odds?

And I most certainly didn’t know there would be pie!

And here I sit without an ass. The human ass has two distinct gluteal muscles or "cheeks", whereas I feel like I'm sitting on one overripened gelatinous balloon.

A baloon of indigestion, waiting for the inevitable coronary to deliver me from my self-induced purgatorial banishment of calories and gas…

I should really consider working within walking distance from home. The inevitable pay cut might be offset by the increase in sanity and health...