LJ Archive - 04/21/05 : Looming

Everywhere I go in this building, I feel lost. The days drag and I fret the time away trying to quell the voice that says I don’t belong here, that the first few years were fun but now I’m just a deadweight scrub. I desperately long to steal a few moments for private thought, and when I muster the gumption to slack for just 5 minutes to spit it out electrically, I can’t think. Thought synapses wither as coworkers yuk it up about personal plans and spam emails and the latest pile of government dreck - in five years I have never managed to fit in. Once their voices fade back into work, the air conditioning kicks in and my fingers turn to icicles. I seek temporary refuge in another office, a respite of warmth and quiet to clear my head, and the words refuse to come. They don’t even form in my head let alone the page. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything to say. Maybe I fear it would only be so much forgettable noise in the din. Truth be told, you shouldn’t even be reading this, because it’s not me... not what I want be. But here I am, and here are some words - where did I go wrong?

Five minutes become ten, and ten become fifteen, as the voice in my head announces: “Remain calm - there is no emergency exit in Hell.” For some reason I feel as cold as the mechanical air in the suite. If I swallow Draino and Ipecac at the same time I wonder which would win.

I could tell myself this is only temporary, but I said the same thing yesterday, and the day before. It never gets easier, but you learn to cope to survive. If you’re lucky you sometimes look back and laugh; if you’re human you look over your shoulder more often.

I’m looking as hard as I can, and I’m afraid.